my teacher just said van gogh was the 19th century version of instagram
“hay guise trimmed ma beard lol”
“omg guise just tidied ma room”
“omg guise look at dis view, no filter xoxox”
“chilling in da club”
“NEW SHOES OMG”
So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.
OMG ITS BACK
This shit needs to be published.
I always walk backwards when I open doors because I’m a chicken and I’m scared of what could be behind them
“What do we do?”
Why didn’t the Eagles just take the Fellowship directly to Mordor?
- Eagles are very proud and noble creatures who refused to get involved in the wars of men. Gandalf was only able to ride them because he was a Maiar, a semi-divine spirit, who the Lord of the Eagles, Gwaihir, owed a favor because Gandalf had once saved him from a poisoned arrow.
- The Fellowship was supposed to travel in secret. Sauron only knew that the Ring had left Gollum’s cave for the Shire, and was now somewhere else. Large eagles flying into Mordor would have tipped off Sauron and, most importantly, the Nazgul, which no creature could out-maneuver. The Nazgul would have killed the eagles and taken the Ring to Sauron.
I HATE HOW PEOPLE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOLLY AND MISTLETOE!
SEE THIS FUCKER!? SEE THOSE RED BERRIES!? THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING HOLLY!
NOW DO YOU SEE THIS LITTLE SHIT WITH THE WHITE BERRIES!? THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING MISTLETOE! THIS IS THE FUCKER YOU KISS BITCHES UNDER!
RED BERRIES = NO BITCHES
WHITE BERRIES = BETTER GET A FUCKING BREATH MINT BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET YOUR FUCKING SMOOCH ON.